I am not a party person. That’s not to say that I’m a party pooper, hate people or hate having fun – it’s just that my idea of fun is a movie, a dinner party, a game night, or better yet…absolutely nothing. I’m only twenty-two years old, but I know what I like, what’s comfortable, and I stick with it.
But then came Ladies Night. Dresses, cocktails, dancing – wildly different from the comforts of a takeaway and comedy reruns. My friend Annie has been putting together her very own Brown Girls Club, and Ladies Night was the inaugural event.
The answers don’t always live inside my head. That’s something that I’m learning. I am an introvert, proudly so, and alone time means the world to me. But as a person, I need other people, and the amount of time I’ve spent lately, alone in my thoughts, has been worrying. I convince myself that I can do it alone and I sink into a place that feels comfortable and safe, but is really only causing harm.
I’m very good at cancelling plans. Lord knows, I thought about bailing on this night and staying home, comfortable. But I went, and I’m glad I did.
It felt good to get out of my own head, but in another way, it hurt. I enjoy uni, but mentally it’s been one pretty long low, and I start to think that I’ve wasted my youth being sad. At Ladies Night, I had fun, and I could have had fun a hundred other times but I didn’t because I held back. Because of insecurity, because of fear, because of shame. But I am still young, and I am still healing and growing. My youth, of which so much still remains, has not been wasted. Not every night will be beautiful or magical. And I will continue to spend too much time inside my head, to cancel plans, and to have regrets. But there will also be nights when I say yes, when I, for a moment, let go of the things that are holding me back. It won’t always be pretty like dresses, cocktails, or dancing, but it will matter all the same.